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It's a Whimsical Afterlife

by Avenade

/
1.
I feel you in this smog Of course, you’re an American girl Your skin, it melts like the screen on my back door Your face is so pristine, it thaws my heartbreak My baby’s toxic waste Only my midnight drive I can feel your heart barely confident as it beats heavy in my hand You vanish to dust, I breathe you in Won’t you forget my name in a second? Our brains are faulty machines from armageddon Won’t you come haunt me in my sleep I need an extra boost of joy in this dead world We’re killing off our children We never even laid a finger on their face I’m starving for a green patch of sweet grass And some mud to wash it down I’m sickened of all this attitude Oh, you’re just so cool I wish I can get a drink of your warm milk in a pool I wanna hold you so bad, I'm incorrigible Your lips they stick like glue, your tongue is like bubblegum Let this heat wave mold us to the crust I wake from my premonition, the century's brand new I'm finished The lights in my cubicle shine from the moments to come I’ll leap out the window of this high-rise It’s going to spread my guts all over the whole street block Ah, you're going to shut me up And when I've had enough of myself, we'll be making this right Our mother Earth is ripe Her mother Nature is on her way She's going to tear up the sky, consume her face And she will spit out the seeds
2.
I have a hole in the ground here where I live and breathe And if you dig me out, I’ll burn like everyone else I feel so alive in this place I feel so aligned now Let your body move until your bones feel sorry I, by myself, get a little bit worried A little bit jumpy, a heavy bit drugged up I forged my years on perfecting my life but it all goes to show how wood gives you splinters I'd rid the whole world of its plague but my enemies insist that I finish off this bowl I see all of their names in lights Their names colorblind Sometimes my life becomes a mess I’ll bring you home again I am for all of the fame that you carry With all these things that are different And of all conflicts, I can take care of myself Put me on your dish and feed your wedding vows I see the beautiful people Marching one by one on Beverly Hills Strike home, tiny dancer You think you're slick with all your pleasure What's my fault with all of this? You think you're perfect, Ms. Danger? Oh no, it's you again Striking up pain and perfect punctures with lousy plain maneuvers Now blow I fell in love with a medicine darling Shotgun doctor, shotgun doctor I called the truce two hours ago Why are you still bleeding on my crimson rug? You fell in love with my medicine darling Shotgun doctor, shotgun doctor You drugged yourself with my treaty letter Wasted pain and plotted revenge I, myself, get a little bit wasted Running around with my pocketful of sunshine You smoked the rest of the weed, man! You must be crazy, everything will be obscured with faces I'll rid the whole world a thousand years of fuckups and privilege I see their names in lights off my mind Sometimes my life becomes a mess I’ll burn this home again I am with you until the blood runs dry With all these things that are different And of all conflicts, I can take care of myself Put me on your stage and do your closing bows
3.
So long these wasteful years of pain and sorrow in my gut To all the ones who want a comeback, come and get some fun My burning passion comes from inside of this rotting door And I for one must count the days I spent here lying on this floor These masochists can't get ahold of me while in this cage I bit my teeth down, buried every single doubt I made These crazy bombings in my heart mean nothing to my fears So as I stare down there, my dissatisfaction can rise to here Woah oh, this is exactly where I want to be Woah oh oh, this is exactly where I need to be This suffering pressure got me tied up in a tight knot These people talk to me and think that I just own the lot My therapist hates how I envisioned her in one of my songs And even though you're right, I'll kill all your dreams to convince you you're wrong And it all falls down But it all adds up I'll keep on running ‘til the secret's gone with what I found I'm shunned by everyone I've trusted, who just stole my crown? With closed fists and battle antics, my winning streaks grow from the wars I fought I'll stand my grounds right here, what the hell did you expect from me?
4.
Wasting away my life in days, I swear and sit in patience I prayed for God's whole might to smother me from where I stay I break my chains and searched to do the right thing, overlord I'm begging mercy on this stricken ground from where I lay Why do I have to keep falling down just to start again? Your pain is much accepted, you can have all say I'm frantic, playing with the thought of you lay down by my side With innards spilled from both ends, your murder spares my day We came all this way just to fight All my nightmares started to befriend me And now I’m always giving in Why do you bug me with your tenderness? That's why I keep you all smothered up inside my laundry room, you call my bluff Forgive me, I haven't used your face in a day I want to watch you take this knife to your neck out of love I’ve never felt so deprived from giving misery to you Why do you keep me from living like this, why so tough? We’ll never ever see the sun again, watch you break the chains I feel your motions from a mile away, broken cuffs We came all this way just to dance All my nightmares started to befriend me And they just tread on my innocence Counting my life in days, I stay here dreading about her My broken wish fuels the anarchy from here on out I don’t know what I want to do with my life anymore I cared about the way she walked, her company profound Who would’ve done such a thing, I’m not a horrible crime? The sirens blaring from a block away, no escape I’ve wasted all my life, was all my pleasure worth it? I wallow deep inside this hollow cave, here’s where I lay We came all this way just to die All of my daydreams started to depress me As the Lord shepherds all my hate
5.
Obsession 06:06
I’m afraid I’ll lose all consciousness You say my name I snooze my consciousness There's a quarrel with this emptiness I can't let go of the emptiness And after a while I break down The thoughts are killing everything I have left I don't know where I'll go when they leave me alone Oh no, I fought a devil before He was smoking in an alleyway and crashed a bottle over my head How did the glass taste on my tongue? How are you not even having fun? Is it too late to get my refund? And when it's all said and done, I'm glad you took your time to write this in pens and pills Well what’s this obsession? Worthless obsession I’ll set this on fire My rosary is on the ground Well it’s on my life, I’m glad so what’s the use of it I’m afraid I lost all consciousness You said my name, I fought my consciousness I hate myself and everything I'll stand for Everything I'll stand for is just rage And after a while I break down How could I quarrel with such a fine specimen? You haven't seen them 'til they walk out the front door Never knew there would be so much gore It's been a whole week since God left My pupils dilate and my bones shrivel My perfect teeth have been rotting since And my room smells of decaying filth Are you having fun yet? Does this humor you, tough guy? You're gonna get me riled up and rain a suppressing line of fire on both of our houses I'm fallen from the ways of what we breed Sorry I can't speak, hallelujah fantasy I’ll set you on fire With every inch, there is gasoline I’ll find a way to cheer up this party Break my foot Shoot my leg Bust my hip Punch my gut Crack my ribs Tear my arm Twist my neck Pull my teeth Bend my nose Gouge my eyes Shave my top Eat my brain
6.
Dear Misery 07:08
Dear Misery, How proud are you feeling sending all of my pride far? You were once a man that I could depend on, now you're all that I cannot imagine On this Saturday, I bleed my heart out taking all that once was mine You invade all this fear that I travel in, that's how you hide when my glasses fog up We're the worst ones I know, I don't know anyone as mean as you can be With your tortured smile and your handkerchief, you manipulate all my trauma I will stay here alone, singing oh~ Now I start again with all of this Wednesday shredding all my notes to bits You were nothing when you came into my space, now you are everything that you can handle Break down the void again to speak to my demons, one by one they tear at the wounds I will cower here for the rest of my days, I feel comfortable with neglect You’re the worst one I loved, there is a place for me in the afterlife Where the birds they chirp and they chant my name, and the cross is blessed in the sunshine His approval’s harmony, singing oh~ I will meet with him on a future date When my fate insists, I will leave this house and I’ll kill myself in a car crash
7.
Trainwreck 06:58
Strike out the pain I gain no fame Life is so tame Do it again I found the son He works in a sweatshop I love him so Keep going low Rock bottom poor I'm such a bore I am with you I'm bleeding for booze With what I owe You’ll never know You give me change I give no change I always watch With what you got A petty thief There is no grief I sit alone A dogless bone These voices I'm hearing They make me go tearing I found a light It ruined my insides I’m feeling queasy It's almost to easy I'll make this mistake I'm rotting with hate You wanna take me out We're both so foul, yes we are Why the devil may care to assault you? Counting every last insult you've asked for I found peace in my bitterness These walls consult you Oh honey watch your mood, it’ll cost you every fate you have How the heavens may guide you to shelter When you don't know what you seek for closure How dare you use my name in vain Your mother loathes you Carry on, you worthless slime before God shows you a lesson when he comes back I'll say you were nothing but a broken miracle You wait, when the light comes shed a tear for the epilogue What I wouldn't give to feel this effect again I don't want to wait another year for this When did I go rogue? I said you can come in
8.
When I roam, I go nowhere Where is all this dirt? It doesn't matter what you feel Innocence It's been a year since I lost God My nerves sting, ripping my scars in two Pick apart my brain, just laugh and let the truth commence Buddy’s got a new life And buddy’s got a wife and child And until he’s satisfied, he’ll leave his grief behind Where I roam, I go away I found a new path to living It ends where me and you jump the cliff You can have it your way I fear that what you’ve cared about me was only in your head What’s my problem? You're a smile that will never defrost And now we float away Why I live is not your concern Imagine inhaling poison It’s what I do for years Awful man What a fear to live by yourself Never had a chance in the world to wander Grudges only work when you’re hurting, and the anger is a fuel This is gonna tear me up Scarlett’s gonna eat my soul Stuck her needle through my brain and drugged me with her chemicals When I roam, I go nowhere Where is all my anguish? I’m finally giving in I'll be selfish nevermore I fear the ones that care about me are only in my head What’s the matter? With scars that will never progress Well now we know No more You can have it your way I'm tired of making up excuses on behalf of my brain Why so tired? With open legs and slit arms And down we go Where do we go when we’re done
9.
I’ll watch you suffer as I did when you forget who I am Memory loss is just so evil, now I'm driving straight for the damned How's your game, how's your fame? How's the way that you pray? I'll decay in a moat while you decay in a bucket March with the beat Halt, feel, love, eat Human goals are ignorant I’ll watch you suffer as I did when you collide and hit the brakes Medical bills never graced me, I could never dream to raise the stakes When's my day, where's his face? Will he ever shine, my saving grace? You will never know how I felt when he turned away Kick and screaming Go part demon Sun sets the dusk 2019, your message really torments my psyche I’ll watch you suffer as I did when you can never take your last breath When you're just as fucked as I am, you can almost taste your own death
10.
True faith waits for me by the staircase Blue aura and a white flash of highlights Obscure view of what a world we’ve died in Legs lift me up to your sky Rush of frequency in your cave I can’t do this again Who am I in your flesh and rot jaw? Find you here in the lights that blind far I can’t do this again, come find me I can feel your space in my skull This always goes over my head I can’t listen, all I can do is just rage
11.
I can see the sky spanning out for miles Feel this space that I'm drifting, it's so foreign to me Catch me in the fields to wander through the fog in this space Feels so free to displace a world of face I will never forget, what a day Hunter, please take this toll away from me She's just a girl, stay away from the scene Hoping one day, I'll find my way out Scarlett take your feet, drag it through the mud I wouldn't have let you go if you didn't want to leave I can see the powerlines stretching over this place Where was all of this grace that was felt in my days Spirits in a white haze, so amazed Hunter, please take this sleep away from me He's just a boy, fade away from the streets Hoping soon, I'll find my way up I can see a home scouting from afar I would've seen myself with what I got with all this luck Threw it all away with that fateful car crash that day With all the pain that I've gained, there's so much I've lost Now I'm lost in this maze, I'm afraid Hunter, please take this grief away from me You're just a man, pulled the plug and let me free Hopefully in time, I'll find what I found

about

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
- Frank Herbert, Dune

recorded between February and November 2019

credits

released November 8, 2019

guitars & vocals - matt hawkins
drums - "the machines"

all music and lyrics written by matt hawkins

producer - kwah!
soundcloud.com/kwahsc
cover art - tynhe
youtube.com/channel/UCVRwQ-GQPpYqF0HzrDXmTug

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Avenade Normal, Illinois

indulge yourself to what i'm feeling

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